Love/Hate Songs

I live out my [love]life in song. I hum, sing, belt, and sort out my feelings to music. An actual relationship can spark and inspire a whole range of representative songs, after all, to go with a whole gambit of emotions-- there are ups, downs, incredible highs, and, unfortunately, lows. I have a song for everything (and plenty more left over-- after all, I couldn't possibly give up all sobsongs just because I'm happy, and vice versa).

But when a relationship (friendship or otherwise) has come to a crossroads-- because of distance, because of circumstances, because of fundamental differences, or even because of betrayal-- there is usually just one song.

Some are negative-positive, songs of empowerment that remind me of the pain of yesterday and the promise of tomorrow. Demi Lovato's "Skyscraper" reminds me, constantly, that the only way to go is up; "Take a Bow" is a reminder not to fall for charm and words alone. Some are fun-negative; one ex-boyfriend always reminds me of Toby Keith's irreverent "I Wanna Talk About Me." And some are bittersweet, or even just sweet, like 楊丞琳 Rainie Yang's 匿名的好友 [Anonymous Friend].

I've found Your song, yours and mine. It says everything neither of us has ever, in the years we've known each other, been brave enough to say, but even in that, it's Us. It's of missed opportunities, serendipity, and of love that can and will never, ever be. And, most of all, it's about trying to move on... 

許仁杰 Stanly Hsu RenJie - 忘了說愛你 [Wang Le Shuo Ai Ni] [Forgot To Say I Love You]
Translation Credit: tammiest@AsianFanatics
Do NOT post elsewhere without proper credit.

只想要對妳好 不想說愛妳
I only want to treat you well, I don't want to tell you that I love you
原來我們還有 這麼多默契
It turns out that we have So much chemistry, so much tacit understanding
就讓我對妳好 讓他說愛妳

So let me treat you well, And let him tell you that he loves you
也許得不到的 才算是愛情

Perhaps, what I can't have Is what's really considered love

當妳不開的心 都丟到我心裡
When you throw all your worries, all your problems Into my heart
還有什麼愛人能 比我們這對朋友 更親密
How could any pair of lovers Be any closer Than the two of us?

Everything and Nothing

It's all the "nothings" that tell you "everything" about someone.

And when you strip "everything" away, sometimes all you're left with is precisely that: "nothing."

Relationships-- romantic, familial, or the ones between friends-- are based on implicit "deals" and exchanges between people. I'll cook dinner if you wash the dishes. We can watch the baseball game tonight if you indulge my love for Katherine Heigl movies tomorrow. I need a shoulder to cry on today, and I promise to be there for you when you need it next. You trust me, and I want to keep that trust. And I will trust you in return.

But relationships-- again, of any kind-- fail all the time. And when they do, it's almost certainly because someone thinks they're getting a "bad" deal. No one can go on giving "everything" for "nothing" in return, and anyone who believes they deserve "everything" for whatever reason but most especially for no reason at all and "nothing" from them back-- well, eventually, people catch on and things catch up.

And then there is nothing.

Overwhelming

我們乾脆一刀了斷, 好嗎? 我累了, 不想再為你流淚...

Lessons Never Learned

I don't know how to trust anyone, say that I can't-- and yet, each time, I seem implicitly to. Each time, I tell my head to rule my heart, command logic to take control of emotion. I am, by nature, enigmatically both logical and empathetic to a fault.

I am ironic, but not because I want to be.

You told me once that I couldn't possibly be real. But I am, and it seems that I am embarrassingly, detrimentally, only human. I don't know how to protect myself, and you aren't here anymore to teach me how... or to offer me the shoulder and shelter I crave. I wish you were. I wish for what never was and what never will be.

In your absence, though, I can only teach myself. I didn't want to be like you, but...

有些東西失去了永遠找不回

There are some things... once lost, they can never be found

有些話說了永遠收不回

There are some words... once said, they can never be unsaid

有些事情做了永遠沒法挽回

There are some things... once done, they can never be taken back, undone

愛情拋棄了就只能永遠後悔

And there is love... once thrown away, all that is left is a lifetime of regret

一顆心 碎了 又怎能從新開始?

(Can you tell me) Once a heart Is broken How does it begin to beat again?
© 2011 Original Chinese and English Translation: tammiest@AsianFanatics
Do NOT post elsewhere without proper credit.

When Words Fail

I deal in words.

I'm a lawyer. At least, I will be one, eventually. Word choice, syntax, juxtaposition, arrangement... all are incredibly important in my chosen profession.

I'm a writer. At least, I used to be. I used to chronicle my life-- if somewhat cryptically-- online. I used to wax poetic, paint fiction, drip satire-- for class, for friends, for strangers, for myself. Life and circumstances changed that. I haven't been in the habit of expressing myself this way, except very sporadically, for years.

I'm a dreamer. At least, I think I am. I imagine all sorts of crazy scenarios, hope and dream, and build elaborate castles in the sky.

Here's the kicker, though. Words fail me. Often.

I know it's strange. I'm not particularly conceited, but I'll admit: I have a way with words. But only when I've had a chance to organize and edit them, when I can hide behind a computer screen or a sheet of paper... never in conversation, never in face-to-face interaction. I can never seem to articulate the way I feel, positive or negative, to anyone, regardless of how much I care about or for them. The problem, of course, is that no one would ever assume or guess this about me: I like socializing; I am a decent conversationalist and a pretty good listener; I write well. And yet, the reality is that I'm actually tremendously awkward. And I, sometimes, to my great unhappiness, hurt and destroy people-- people I care about-- simply by being me: oblivious, awkward, unable or, maybe, unwilling to express myself or to confront anything in life.

I don't like this about myself. And it's been hard to come to terms with it. It's taken a long day and night of reflection, baking, and complete shirking of schoolwork. The immediate tomorrow might suck, but, hopefully, the "tomorrow's" of the future will be the better for my uncomfortable journey toward self-realization.

If you (plural) ever stumble across this, in whatever capacity, please know this: I'm sorry.

More than I can ever say.

:\

For the record, this isn't what I want, either. I'd do things your way if I could...

Disarming

You... are amazing.

The way you've come to know me is nothing short of incredible. You understand everything I say and, more importantly, everything I don't. You can take one look at my face and know exactly what's going on in my crazy, mixed-up head. You listen to me-- really listen-- when I want to talk, talk when I want to listen, and we stay quiet together when I'd prefer that instead.

With You, there is always a choice.

You... are disarming.

You have an easy grin, an easy sense of humor, and an easygoing personality (although you are not, my friend, by any stretch of the imagination, an "easy" character). Frankly, you are way too charming for your own good. I have told you things I've never told anyone before-- and all because you seemed like you genuinely, truly wanted to know. You don't let me dodge the questions. You don't let me retreat, let me hide.

With You, I feel free, unfettered... encouraged to be myself.

You... are confusing.

Sometimes, you blow hot; sometimes, you blow cold. And are you generally that perceptive, or do you save it for me? Or am I merely that obvious, and no one's ever bothered to look?

With You, I'm never quite sure where I stand or what to think.

You... are not exactly Mr. Right.
And I... am not exactly what you're looking for.
We... are not exactly meant to be.

But I'm glad I met You... even though I know I'll never be With You.